Okay, so you want to have some ladies over for brunch with mimosas and talk about what Netflix shows you’re watching. Perfect! Here are some rules to make sure you fit in with our modern culture. No seriously, write these down. Especially about the swan-themed fruit sculpture.
1. Never ever talk politics.
You never know whose husband is a Congressman, or sexually harassed someone in high school, or is supporting an obscure candidate you think looks like a goat. You don’t want to get stuck in an awkward conversation with that woman Sophia who only votes for trolls and goblins. Keep those thoughts about women’s rights and school bond issues tucked tightly in your garter belt!
2. Bring snacks to share with the group.
Don’t be that woman who just shows up with a bag of chips. You need to put some effort into it to show that women can do anything they set their mind to in addition to having children and supporting their spouses, and running the household, and soaking a disgusting jock strap of their football-playing son in soap for two freaking hours and reading interesting books to ensure lively dinner conversation. Maybe you can design a swan out of various fruits, like watermelon or cantaloupe. Don’t use fake googly eyes. This is a ladies’ brunch, not a carnival.
3. Dress appropriately.
A sundress, a pioneer dress, a maxi dress, the address of a place you can escape to die a slow death from all the patriarchal nonsense women have to put up with these days. Pair it with a shiny gold belt to add a finishing touch. Maybe a nice swag purse?
4. Create elegant floral arrangements.
This adds a touch of class when women gather in your home, and it’s wonderfully aromatic. Carnations are long-lasting. You can dye them different colors to match your décor, so that they aren’t actually true to themselves or as God intended them to be, but rather they take on the fake look of the person who cuts their life off and sticks them in a container until they shrivel and die. Also, roses are nice.
5. The host should have a variety of food choices.
Just because it has “brunch” in the title doesn’t mean you want to stick with egg casseroles, just like how the word “woman” may contain the word “man” in it but she doesn’t necessarily need one in her life—despite how many times her mother asks her if she’s getting married. Try a light salad with vinaigrette or a platter of shaved prosciutto.
6. Drink Responsibly.
Ladies do like their cocktails. But don’t be too liberal with your pours, because you might not remember how you got there, or how you got home, or why Sarah’s husband Harry grabbed your ass by noon, or if it was even Harry that caught you in the laundry room and groped you since you aren’t reliable and probably mistook him for someone else. And if something did happen to you, it’s probably your fault. FOR HEAVEN’S SAKE JUST DRINK LEMONADE AND RECORD EVERY SINGLE THING THAT HAPPENS.
7. Take lots of pictures!
You want to make sure that other women find you appealing, fun, stylish, and thin, so be sure to kick your leg to the side, cover up your broad ears with your hair, suck in your stomach, smile big but not too big, put a filter on it, check with all the women in the photo before posting. Make a casual reference like “just hanging with the girls” as to not make it a big deal before posting on several social media sites. Because we are all a competitive lot and you don’t want to appear to be letting yourself go.
Sure, you aren’t going to be drinking, you will spend hours on a wildly complicated snack platter, you most likely won’t be happy with the photos taken by that Sophia woman (who keeps inviting her?) and you will probably end up saying something nasty about Trump. But look on the bright side! There are watercress sandwiches! You can wear a cute dress! Every woman will be on a diet, so you can take home all the chocolate truffles you want to eat later in the dark, sad emptiness of your bedroom while watching Real Housewives. WINNING!