Want to make your relationships bold? The key, according to Project Bold Life publisher Ed Kopko, is positive moments! Check out the original story, which appeared on Ed’s blog, or dig into the ins and outs of this relationship technique here.
(Check out this list of must-read books on relationships, curated by Project Bold Life.)
Moments are Everything
From his notes, Ed reveals that the secret to strong relationships stems from moments. Throughout the day, a person goes through 20,000 memorable points from the time they wake up until they sleep. This idea is part of a theory by Nobel-prize-winning psychologist and economist Daniel Kahneman.
These moments or seconds the brain records as experiences can be positive, negative, or neutral. Neutral moments are rare, which makes every daily interaction tip between good and bad ones. Due to this, socialization and relationships rely on how many of those 20,000 timestamps are positive and negative.
But that can become confusing, as Kahneman states in his 2000 study. The definition or act that makes these moments positively memorable or not depends on several factors. People need to consider that happiness can differ due to a person’s socioeconomic background, where they live, psychological indicators, and overall well-being.
“A common estimate is that each of these moments of the psychological present may last up to three seconds, suggesting that people experience some 20,000 moments in a waking day, and upwards of 500 million moments in a 70-year life.” – Daniel Kahneman, Nobel-prize-winning psychologist, and economist
Objective Happiness
Although the value of happiness, especially in relationships, differs from person to person, some factors help identify what moments are objectively happy or positive. The human brain keeps memorable seconds worth remembering based on these aspects, and relationships use these memories to strengthen bonds between people.
The factors that make objective happiness or positive moments center on the person’s well-being and satisfaction. Without them, these seconds of experiences people have in a day won’t be memorable enough and turn useless or problematic for any ongoing relationship.
Here are the main factors that help identify objective happiness:
- Quality of life
- Life satisfaction rate
- Enjoyment
- Use of time and activity
- Standard resting condition
In addition to these elements, the Polish linguist, Anna Wierzbicka, adds a person’s cultural influence to define objective happiness, as life satisfaction goes hand-in-hand with one’s culture.
The Secret Formula to Happy, Healthy Relationships
Although moments are essential to relationships, Ed highlights that they should be positive. To do this, people should learn about the theory of positive emotions. Developed by social psychologist Barbara Frederickson in 1998, the broaden and build theory explores how positive emotions help in a person’s survival.
Positive emotions are more than happiness, joy, and contentment within experienced moments. They also build and develop behaviors like awareness, discovery, and curiosity, making people more flexible and creative. With this theory, you can create more positive points from your daily 20,000 moments instead of negative experiences.
In addition, Frederickson also shows a ratio between positive and negative moments. The 3-to-1 ratio on positivity suggests that in outweighing one bad moment, you should have three good memories. Psychologist Dr. John Gottman also discovered that every negative interaction should get an exchange of five positive interactions.
Gottman’s Magic 5-to-1 ratio for healthy relationships states that positive and negative emotions are never balanced. One negative moment can produce more pain and damage to the people and the relationship, and healing and bringing them back closer requires more effort to produce happy memories.
How to Create Positive Moments
There are numerous ways to help you create positive moments for a healthier, bolder relationship with friends, loved ones, and family. Doing these interactions allow you to produce better memories that can strengthen your bond and make your relationships and socialization more successful. Here are some of them.
Showing interest
Showing your interest looks, but in reality, it isn’t. Not all people can show genuine curiosity or attention, especially if they don’t align with their beliefs, values, or pursuit. When you show interest in your partner, friend, or loved one’s opinion, pastime, or emotions, they become more comfortable displaying their true self and trust you more.
In addition to being attentive to their needs, wants, and feelings, asking questions about them shows that you find their pursuits and emotions worthwhile.
Kindness
Kindness can turn every interaction into positive moments that will help you make your relationships worthwhile. Being considerate of your loved one’s feelings and respecting their beliefs and values indicates that you want them to feel comfortable and safe with you. Doing acts of kindness boosts one’s confidence, happiness, and control.
Besides these two acts, you can also generate positive interactions by being affectionate, empathic, and optimistic. Smiling is also a massive plus in any relationship.
In addition, avoiding criticism, hostility, anger, and hurt also helps limit negative interactions and moments. Positive reinforcement fosters positive relationship development as people feel supported, seen, and heard.
The Key to Bold Relationships
There’s no exact way to make relationships last, as each is unique. But long-lasting healthy relationships revolve around positive moments. The more happy memories you have with a loved one, the closer you become, and for any bold relationship to work, closer is better.
Don’t forget the book that lays out the principles of goal-achievement and attaining a Bold Life!
